I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
