In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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