i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
