Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
