You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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