I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
