I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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