The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
