I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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