Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
