Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
