My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
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Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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