Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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