You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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