Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Randomize
