I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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