Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
