im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
