I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm too high and old for this...