even my farts smell like vagina
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter