if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire