I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?