My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
