There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
