he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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