Swine flu. Run for my life!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
