Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
