you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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