the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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