Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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