Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
