My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
