i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
