I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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