So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
