just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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