i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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