found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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