also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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