Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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