I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
