it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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