I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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