this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
