Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
