a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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