If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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