please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
