...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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