Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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