Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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