this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
