she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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