I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
