I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
