your parents love me but you hate me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
