yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
