oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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